After giving birth, I knew I wanted to nurse Hudson until he was one year old.  That was my goal.  It seemed so daunting in the beginning when I was nursing him every two hours, pumping at night, milk leaking in my bed, squirting out in the shower and having to wake up several times throughout the night to nurse him.  How could I possibly keep it up for a whole year?  I repeated my new mom mantra, "it always gets easier.  Everything is so temporary."  And so it was.  Hudson learned how to latch, how to hold up his own head and how to go longer periods without needing to be nursed.  

By the time he turned one nursing Hudson was easy.  Well, actually it became easier much earlier than one, but at one I had to re-evaluate my goal.  It was such an incredibly bonding time and it felt great to be able to give him what he needed.  Rocking my baby to sleep at night, singing him a lullaby and nursing him - that was our special time.  

Before I knew it Hudson was two and for various reasons I decided it was time to say bye bye to "kiki".  The word milky became kiki before he could pronounce milky.  It was definitely convenient for those times when he publicly asked for kiki - like the time we were shopping at Trader Joe's.  Hudson:  mommy, kiki?  Lady:  he's so cute; what's kiki?  Me:  who knows - silly baby!  ; )  

I worried that once I stopped nursing Hudson he would be too "big" for cuddling with mommy when he woke up.   Thankfully, our morning ritual with kiki has been replaced with another one - cuddling in mommy's bed.  I do miss the special bond from nursing my baby, but I also like knowing that when he wants to cuddle, it's just to cuddle and not because he wants kiki.  

I wanted to  memorialize the last day to make the transition easier (for both of us).  For several days leading up to the last day of kiki we talked about how it was almost time for kiki to go bye bye and that it was almost all gone.  On January 30th, I nursed my baby for the last time.  We cuddled in bed and said bye bye to kiki.  We watched the trains through the window and we imagined that kiki went bye bye on the pretty blue and green choo choo train to find another baby who needed kiki.  It was a special moment and one I won't forget. 

Hudson looked out the window and said "bye bye kiki, nice to see you!"  

For several nights, he looked up at me with his big brilliant blue eyes while I was rocking him and said "mommy, try kiki a little bit?"  He still asks for kiki every couple of days and sometimes I have to remind him that kiki went bye bye on the pretty blue and green choo choo train to find another baby, and sometimes he catches himself and tells me the story.  

Another milestone marked.  Bye bye kiki - nice to see you!  

To my sweet best buddy,

It’s 1:30 p.m. on January 4, 2012.  82 degrees and a beautiful blue sunny San Diego sky. 

T minus three hours and fifty minutes and you were born.

Love.  So much love.  My heart filled up and stretched beyond all bounds with love.

The first few months were sort of a haze.  Did anyone or anything else exist in the world other than you and me?  Not for me they didn’t.  No cell phones, no computers, no email, I just enjoyed getting to know you. 

The rest of the first year went fairly fast, except that each day also felt like an eternity.  But, in a great way.  There was so much for both of us to learn about each other from each new day.

Now you are two. 

Two. 

I can’t believe it. 

There’s nothing “terrible” about it.  You are perfect, exactly as you are. 

This was the fastest year of my life.  Partly because we were on the move constantly (Scottsdale, Sonoma, Virginia, Portland, North Carolina, Atlanta, back to Atlanta, Italy, Malta, Atlanta again and finally back to Portland).  And partly because you have grown and changed so much that I can barely keep up with you.  Literally! 

You’ve taught yourself how to walk, run, jump, dance, sing (about 15 songs!), count, the colors, the days of the week, your ABCs and most importantly, you’ve taught yourself good manners.  You are a true gem, Hudson Cade.  I love your spunky little (big) personality.  You are special.  And not just because I am your mommy.  You are special.  
You are a caring and empathetic young man with a huge heart.  Every morning you go back and forth between whether you want to give me “hug, hug hug” or “kiss, kiss, kiss”.  Thankfully, I get lots of both.  

You taught yourself how to pee pee in the toilet.  Yet, after sitting on the pot once, unable to go, you looked down at your peeper and exclaimed, in a worried tone, “broken!”.  You have a silly sense of humor that I adore. A little jokester with the cutest smile that melts hearts everywhere we go.  Thank you for making mommy laugh every single day. And when I don’t feel like laughing, thank you for giving me a great big hug, hug, hug and kiss, kiss, kiss. 

You are special.

You are loved.

I love you, Bug. 

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY!

Mommy

31 months ago I began carrying my baby everywhere I went.  In my tummy.

22 months ago I began carrying my baby everywhere I went.  In my arms. 

4 months ago my baby began spending every Friday night with his daddy, away from mommy.  

Today my baby got on an airplane to Atlanta with his daddy.  4 days away from my baby.  

As any mom does the first time away from her baby, I cried at the airport.  And on the drive home.  And when I got home and saw all of his toys strewn across the living room floor.  And then I plugged through a day's work.  

Decision made:  enjoy my freedom to come and go as I please over the next four days.  It won't always feel good or necessarily be tear-free, but I am going to enjoy it, damn it!  I went for an incredible run at sunset, oh how I miss being able to go for a run without a stroller. For that moment, I was thankful for my freedom and that's what I'm holding onto.

Staying home and feeling sad isn't going to bring my baby home any sooner, so ... off I go to enjoy a non-mom night on the town!  :)

It's just like when I haven't talked to a good friend in months.  The more time that goes by, the harder it seems to just pick up the phone to have a quick chat.  I don't call because I know it will be an hour long conversation and I only have 5 minutes. I want to call and just say hello, but I don't.  Instead, more time goes by and I never make the call.  

I haven't blogged in months.  The longer I've gone without blogging, the harder I tell myself it will be to jump back in.  After all, there's *so* much catching up to do.  Where do I start?  Where did I leave off?  Oh wait, I left off in the middle of LIFE, and surprise, surprise, I'm still here!  In the middle of life.  ; )

It's sort of interesting to me that my very last blog was all about Hudson going from two naps to one.  He did. And, I stopped blogging.  It's easy to blame my lack of writing on his new nap schedule,  (I used to write during one of his two naps) but, that's not really honest.  There's always something else behind the surface. If I had felt like blogging, I would have made time.  I'm not sure why I stopped, but I know that I just need to get back on the bike and start peddling!

My little guy turned 22 months old on Friday.  Each month is more exciting than the last.  He says full sentences now and he melts my heart.  I never imagined I could love someone so much.  He has opened my heart  completely and there's no turning back.  

It's not always hugs and kisses though.  Being a mom is challenging, especially to a 22 month old. Sometimes it's more than challenging; sometimes it just plain sucks.  And I'm learning that it's okay to not always do or say the right thing.  In fact, every time I screw up is an opportunity to learn and grow.  Needless to say, I've been learning a lot the past few months.  ; )

My heart races and my stomach does a cartwheel.  

The slightest noise and I'm glued to the monitor.  Oh the hours I've wasted glued to the damn monitor!

Please don't wake up.  Please fall right back to sleep.  Tip-toeing around the house as quietly as I can.  

I've lost more time thinking about Hudson's sleep than I have lost actual sleep since he was been born.  

What if his naps fall apart?  What if he only sleeps one hour instead of two?  What if his nighttime sleep falls apart?  What if he's too tired to stay up until bedtime?  These are the thoughts/questions swirling about in my mind on day four of transitioning from two naps to one.  

I've actually spent months agonizing over the 'what ifs' of making the transition to one nap a day.  Of course, now that I'm in the thick of it, once again, nothing that I imagined would happen has happened.  In fact, I love the change.  I love the freedom to make an outing in the morning and an outing in the afternoon.  I love that I only have to go through the process (sometimes a struggle!) of putting Hudson down for one nap instead of two.  

Change is good.  Change is good.  Change is definitely good most of the time.  

So why do I resist it so much lately?   

Even assuming my biggest fears happened during the nap transition - so what?  What is the worst thing that will happen?  Maybe he won't nap at all one day, but he'll get back on track the next day.  Maybe I'll have to cancel our plans for the day because he's too tired or he's taking an extra long power nap.  

None of it really matters.  It's all nonsense.  

And it's not the act of something changing that causes my fear; it's my thoughts about the change.  Change just happens.  My thoughts trick me into believing that change is scary.  So instead, I need to trick my mind into thinking that change. is. good.  Yes, change is good.  Did I mention that CHANGE IS GOOD?!   

Hudson is constantly changing.  Changing to meet his ever-changing needs and changing to meet mine.  He goes with the flow.  He's no different than any other baby (I know, he's a toddler now, but he's still my baby!).  They all adapt to change well.  It's me and the rest of the parents resisting change.  We don't adapt so well.

I'm trying to take a cue from Hudson.  I would be a whole lot smarter if I observed and listened as much as he does and embraced change.  My little guy continues to teach me more about myself each day.  Change is good. 

"In times of profound change, the learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." - Eric Hoffer

I've been in a funk the past few days.  Tired, cranky, scattered and I have not been patient.  I even forgot I had food on the stove tonight and an hour later when I smelled something burning I went into the kitchen to find shriveled up veggies in a dry pot of what was filled with water.  Ruined the veggies and the pot.

It's hard to be in a funk and be a full time mom of a 17.5 month old.  He doesn't understand why I don't want to play "I'm going to get you" for 20 minutes straight or why I'm cranky and snappy.  

My crankiness has of course made Hudson cranky, and then I get frustrated with him, which then makes me more frustrated with myself for the way I respond to him.  

I want to be the kind, patient, loving and present mom ALL OF THE TIME.  My logical brain tells me that it's not possible and that just like Hudson, I'm human and getting frustrated and not being present and patient is a somewhat unavoidable (to an extent) part of life.  But my ego brain scolds me pretty harshly.  I try to imagine what other moms would think if they heard me get frustrated with Hudson, because surely they've never been anything but kind, patient, loving and present, right?!   I must be the only mom alive who has not acted exactly how I want to act as a mom.  ; ) I pile on not only my own guilt for not acting exactly as I wish I had, but I also project what other people would think of me as a mom, which is really just a story without any supporting evidence.  

The mountain of guilt certainly doesn't help me get out of my funk.  Recognizing that I am not my thoughts, nor my self-judgment helps me get back on track.  Just like I praise Hudson for acting a particular way, I have to praise myself and remind myself what an incredible mom I am "most" of the time.  This takes off some of the pressure, which makes me less cranky overall.  And at the end of the day, happy mommy = happy baby = happy mommy!  

I know that my moments of frustration and lack of patience are just an opportunity to take a peek at what's really going on, because it's never what I think it is.  But, sometimes it's hard to remember to search for the "gift" in the pain.  The gift in my few days of bitchiness is the reminder that in order to be a more patient, loving and present mom, I need to take more "me" time.  I'm going on a hike tomorrow morning - without the baby!  

Hudson was a few weeks old and we were at our weekly breastfeeding group.  We were all newbie moms, eyes wide open wondering what we do now that we have these healthy, beautiful little babies.  Our babies were pretty easy, they slept, ate, pooped and snuggled for hours straight.  

It was wonderful having other new moms to connect with.  We talked about milk production, clogged milk ducts, too much production, too little production, our babies' weight gain, our babies' weight loss, lack of sleep, lack of sleep and more lack of sleep.  Same topics, over and over.  Days blended into weeks and weeks into months.  But it felt good knowing that we were all in "it" together and we were sharing an incredibly special bond.

Our get-togethers were comforting.  Until one day. A couple of moms were talking about their flash cards.  I listened quietly.  Granted, I was half asleep, but I swore they were talking about showing their three week old newborns flash cards.  OMG - how did I miss this in the books I had read?  Why didn't my pediatrician tell me about these flash cards?  Damn it, Hudson is already three weeks behind and I'm sure he'll be slower than all of the other babies because his mommy is behind the times and flash cards was not amongst the list of 500 "must haves" from Babies R Us!  I didn't ask questions as all of the moms seemed to know what the other moms were talking about.  I must be the only new mom on the planet who doesn't know about newborn flash cards.  

At the end of the group I drove back home in my lack of sleep daze and started consulting my expert, google.  I couldn't find anything on newborn flash cards other than the marketing pieces by the manufacturers themselves.  Baby Einstein of course has a line of flash cards (brilliant marketing name, by the way!).  But I found nothing to support the use of flash cards and newborn development.  I got to thinking, I'm pretty sure Einstein himself didn't use any sort of newborn flash cards.  Nor Beethoven.  Nor Sir Isaac Newton.  Nor Leonardo da Vinci.  I'm sure Einstein would be mortified if he knew about the Baby Einstein product line.  Now I don't mean to suggest that we should never use modern science and technology to improve the way we learn, but I wasn't able to find anything linking newborn flash cards and learning or development.  (Or any of the Baby Einstein products for that matter).  

Since I wasn't able to find anything solid on flash cards I asked a few friends with older children what they "did" with their newborns and they looked at me like I was going cross-eyed (I may have been given the lack of sleep I was surviving on).  Everyone pretty much came up with the same response - they showered their babies with love and affection, talked to them, made eye contact, sang to them and comforted their newborns.  Love.  Unconditional love.  That is all Hudson needed from me as a newborn.  Lucky for Hudson, he was already getting all of those things from his adoring mommy!  :)  

Hudson is going to be 17 months tomorrow and while he certainly has a lot of toys, for the most part, he still enjoys the simple things.  He couldn't live without his books, his spoons and his special cupboard filled with some Tupperware and pots and pans.  It's a constant reminder to me that I often get guilted into buying "developmental" toys.  I still love the classics - shape sorters, animal sounds books and puzzles and building blocks, but the rest of his toys are really unnecessary.  

I have many friends who are pregnant right now, or who have newborns and I hope this post reaches them right around the time they're at a moms group and wondering if they've messed up their kid for life because they don't have newborn flash cards!  You're doing a great job, just be in love with your babies and they will thrive!  

I wonder why so many people have an opinion as to when I should stop breastfeeding Hudson.  Certainly I've never asked anyone else to do it for me, nor does it inconvenience anyone else in any way.  And most importantly, I've never asked anyone for their opinion.  Yet so many people have shared their opinion that I've "breastfed long enough".  What does that even mean, anyway?

I try not to judge them for their opinions and/or their judgment of me, but sometimes I do.  One person even told me that it was "crucial" that I stop nursing Hudson.  However, when I asked what about it made it "crucial", I got no response.

And speaking of judgement, if I lived in Europe, or anywhere other than the U.S., I would be judged for not nursing Hudson as long as I could.  It's interesting - all of our opinions about other people's "business".  What does it bring up for us when someone does something that we wouldn't do ourselves, and why do we care?  Is it guilt, insecurity, shame or ? 

The World Health Organization recommends mothers nurse their babies until the age of two.  The average length of time moms breastfeed in the U.S. is six months, whereas the worldwide average is two years.  But none of that really matters anyway.  Who cares what the average is anywhere when I'm talking about one mom and one baby.  Both are happy with the current arrangement.  I don't judge moms who choose not to breastfeed their babies, or who do so for a shorter period of time - it's none of my business.

I think it's ironic that women don't think twice about stuffing their breasts with silicone and saline, but breastfeeding a baby beyond year one is often considered disgusting or "wrong".  Which is the natural/intended "use"?  We're the only species who give our babies milk from another animal - is cow's milk really intended for our consumption?  When I think about giving Hudson milk from a cow that  sounds more "disgusting" to me.  But then again, I don't drink milk other than hemp or soy.  

Today we are having a reunion with all of the families we met at a breastfeeding group 15 months ago - to celebrate the boob-bond!  :)   

I sat down to write today because I have a friend in labor.  And one not in labor. One who is trying to help her cervix dilate so that she can give birth, and another who intentionally slowed down her labor.  This post is dedicated to them and their eventual birth of their babies.

Today started out differently for me than most days as well.  Although I knew Hudson was awake and I could hear him fussing over the monitor, I turned the monitor off and I took a few moments for myself.  I sat on my bed, in lotus position, and I began chanting a mantra that I haven't done in almost a year - "Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha".  It is thought that this mantra removes life's obstacles.  I cleared my mind, and then, feeling refreshed, I went in to kiss my baby good morning.  

Moments later I got a call that a friend was in labor, but she's not dilating.  She's in a hospital, and of course, the usual routine is taking place ... pitocin, increased and spiky contractions and early talks of a cesarian section.  I've set my daily intention towards sending her my love and openness and my hope for a smooth and vaginal birth.  

Our minds are more powerful than we could ever begin to imagine.  I know that it's true, and I see evidence of this all around me, but I'm still awestruck when I hear personal stories similar to the one I heard last week about an acquaintance (I'll call her "Jessica").  

While one friend is praying that her labor progresses, another, Jessica, used her mind to virtually stop her labor.  She was 36 weeks gestation last week when she started having contractions six minutes apart.  She knew that giving birth before 37 weeks meant that she couldn't have the birth that she had been hoping for, and she literally used her mind to stop her labor. She had read many accounts of where women weren't progressing with their labor, often because of the negative energy of someone in the room or close by, and she believed that if your mind and body are so connected, she could actually do the opposite - and stop her labor.  After hours of meditating, she did just that. She went from active labor to having contractions every 30 or so minutes.  One week later, she is now 37 weeks gestation.  

As I sat down to write this post I put my headphones on and turned up the volume.  The third song to play from my iTunes library was, Forgotten Seasons - the song that Hudson was born to.  It was also the soundtrack that was playing the very first time I met Jessica.  Coincidence?  Not likely. 

For my friend who will be giving birth sometime today, Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.  May all of your obstacles be removed and allow you a safe and enjoyable delivery.  You are about to meet the person whom you will love more than you ever imagined possible.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  The rest of your life will never be as it was yesterday.

For my friend "Jessica", thank you for reminding me of the strong connection between body and mind, and how powerful we all are in controlling our lives.  

Namaste. 

The only thing worse than being sick is seeing your baby in pain. Hudson picked up a nasty cold and was feeling really crappy all last week.  His nose was running and yet, at the same time he was so congested that he couldn't nurse without gasping for air.  He was coughing so violently that he couldn't sleep for more than about an hour or two at a time.  My poor buddy was really suffering last week. 

And poor mommy was suffering from lack of sleep. By about the third night of getting up every couple of hours, I just wanted to collapse. I wanted to drop to my knees and cry.  I wanted my mommy to come and take care of me. 

The last of the several times we were up was rough. I nursed and rocked Hudson back to sleep, which took almost an hour.  We were up from 3:00 to 3:50 a.m., and that was after being up several times before that.  I put him back to bed, walked into my bedroom half asleep and before I had a chance to pull the covers up, I heard him crying over the monitor again. And coughing. 

I broke down. I totally crumbled.  I couldn't take care of myself at that point, how could I possibly take care of little Hudson?  I literally pulled the covers over my head and balled like a baby. I remember crying and saying, "I can't do this" over and over.  I cried for a good few minutes, and then I attempted to pull myself back together.  I begrudgingly threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. By the time I reached the nursery, the room was silent.  And so was I. 

In my completely exhausted, sleep-deprived state I piled on a ton of self-guilt.  What kind of mom lays in bed and cries and gives up when her baby is sick and can barely breathe? (One who is really sleep-deprived and half asleep!)  I felt so desperate in that moment - and so disappointed in myself. 

Being a single mom is really hard sometimes. It's not always hard, and it often has some really cool benefits, but when we're out of our routine and waking up every couple of hours for several nights in a row, it. is. hard.  Really hard. I would have given anything to be able to say, "honey, it's your turn to get up with Hudson."  I don't have that option any more. But, I know that I am doing the best that I can. 

Thankfully, Hudson is back to good health and we have both been sleeping like babies the past few nights!