It's been one hell-of-a crazy week! I've had a lot of major changes this past week, both professionally and personally. And I haven't had time to blog about it. Any of it. I've stepped outside of my comfort zone, and I've realized that my experiences are never as anxiety-producing as I expect them to be. 

I got a new job last week. I have an employer and a boss.  After leaving my old firm almost four years ago I didn’t think I would ever have another boss or another employer, other than myself, but … I also have a paycheck and for that I am grateful. A paycheck gives me the freedom to do more of what I love – spending time with Hudson and coaching new moms!  I couldn’t have created a more perfect “job”. I get to work from home, three days a week.  Yep, in my pjs!  And they pay me to do it. And, I've actually really enjoyed the work this past week. 

At first the thought of getting a job felt very shackles-on. It felt like I was letting myself down, after all, I told myself that I was “done” with jobs and bosses and employers. How could I go backwards and take another job after being self-employed? What would people think? 

Then I changed my thoughts. I realized that when I attach to my stories of what it means to have a job, and remain unwilling to question whether they are true, it’s my stubborn thoughts that cause me to go backwards, not the job.  It's always my thoughts about a circumstance that get me into a tangled mess.  

I also had my first overnight away from Hudson. Yes, I know, he's one-year-old, but the first night away was scary. Or at least I told myself that it would be. That it should be. I cried at the airport and didn't want to walk away from him. I just wanted to squeeze him and sneak him into my carry-on.  (At 26 pounds, he's sort of hard to sneak anywhere.)  I made it through security, mascara running down my cheek, but I was okay. I didn't have much time as I raced to the gate, stopping only to grab a couple of trash mags and a Starbucks. 

Once I was on my flight to Virginia (for the new job) I had some liquid confidence that helped me relax and enjoy my time without baby. I had to admit, it was kinda nice getting on a flight without schlepping all of the baby gear through security.  And it was kinda nice being able to sit quietly in my seat, drink my glass of wine and not worry that Hudson was too loud or ready to get down and cruise the aisle. 

Unfortunately, my 36 hour trip away landed me in Virginia at 2am and I had to be in the office by 6am, so there was no laying in bed ordering room-service while I watched a few chick-flicks. I was going, going, going non-stop. Which was good, in a way. It occupied my mind and made me forget that I hadn't squeezed Hudson's squishy little cheeks in almost 24 hours! 

My hurried schedule distracted me until I got to the airport and was waiting for my flight home, which was of course delayed (yep, Delta - it never disappoints. It's consistent. It's always delayed). And then about three hours before my flight time I got the dreaded call. The call from Hudson's nanny letting me know that (1) Hudson had a fever of 103.7; and (2) he had been on a milky-strike since the moment I left.  Big sigh.  Okay, I more than sighed, I broke down. I was 2,000+ miles away from my sick baby and another east coast storm had just arrived. Nobody knew if or when our flight would get out. I felt totally helpless and completely out of control. Must. Get. Home. Fast. 

I've noticed that when I feel out of control, I give up even more control. I lose all control of my thoughts and feelings, surrendering up all of it. But, when I start to accept that I don't have control - when I started to accept that I may not be home to kiss Hudson that evening, and I may not be home to see his sparkling morning eyes the next morning, I felt more relaxed about all of it. I was able to take a deep breath and know that everything would be okay.  And, it was. My flight left that night and I was snuggling my little Bug before midnight!