I don't eat meat. I don't eat turkey. I don't eat chicken. I don't eat ham. (This is starting to sound like a Dr. Seuss book.) I very occasionally eat bacon, but that's not meat; that's bacon. Bacon is not meat, it's bacon!
Despite my aversion to meat, I do enjoy the tradition of making Thanksgiving dinner. I cook a turkey every couple of years. I'm told they are quite delicious.
I usually buy a fresh turkey, but this year I got sucked into buying a frozen turkey from my favorite grocer, Trader Joe's.
10:40 p.m. last night. I was laying in bed running through everything I need to do to make tomorrow go as smoothly as possible. The turkey is already brined. Do I have a big enough roasting pot? I think so. Do I have a thermometer? No, but I know who does.
I need to calibrate my oven; it's a little off. What time do I need to put the turkey in the oven? Oh crap! I suddenly recalled that it takes days to thaw out a turkey. I quickly conferred with my reliable friend, google, who told me that my turkey will take 2-3 days to thaw out. I jumped out of bed and threw the bird into the refrigerator.
8:43 a.m. this morning. Checked the turkey. Still hard as a rock. Make that a boulder. As hard as a boulder. Quick, get back in touch with google. How do I thaw the bird today. safely. ? Okay, ice the bird at room temperature, changing the water every 30 minutes. Be careful that there are no tears in the bag. Make sure the bird stays cold. Make sure you change the water every. thirty. minutes. I cannot spend all day changing the bird's water every thirty minutes! I have things to do. Important things to do.
9:03 a.m. Called Trader Joe's. Explained that I need to return my frozen turkey that I bought this past Sunday. Explained that I forgot it takes days to thaw a turkey. I apologized, and explained that I need to return it so that I can go elsewhere to buy a fresh bird. The gentleman on the phone told me that they only have fresh turkeys, but in any event, I was welcome to bring my bird back. I bought the bird at a different TJ's, they must have different turkeys.
9:22 a.m. Drove to Trader Joe's with my bird. We walked up to the manager, my bird and I, and I explained my predicament. "I'm so sorry, but I bought a frozen bird and I neglected to take it out of the freezer in time. I would like to return the bird so I can go somewhere else where I can buy a fresh bird."
9:23 a.m. TJ's manager politely explained to me, without making me feel like a complete idiot, that my bird was fresh. I took a fresh bird and plunked it in the freezer! He graciously agreed to exchange the bird. All of the birds were bigger than my original bird. Not by much, but enough to cost a little more. No problem. Except that in my moment of panic, I left the house without my wallet. No problem, he said. I left with a bird. A fresh, brined bird. A fresh, brined bird is now sitting in my refrigerator.
Thank you, Trader Joe's. You're always there for me.