I took Hudson's bumper pads out of his crib about three weeks ago.  Considering he's only been sleeping in his crib since he was five months old, I was pretty annoyed that the pricey bumpers were used for less than two months.  And the crib looks so sterile without them.  But, it's now recommended that we remove the bumper pads once our babies are sitting up.  It makes sense.  I've seen Hudson bury his face in his bumper, and he attempted to use it as a ladder to try to hoist himself out of his cell.  I mean crib. 

Speaking of being annoyed, I'm annoyed by the whole crib industry.  And bumper pad industry.  Shame on both of you.  Why do they still make cribs with hard wooden slats knowing that once our babies are mobile we have to remove the soft cushy bumper pads.  And why do bumper pads even exist if we remove them when the baby is mobile, the only time that they're even useful. Great, so now when Hudson is going to fall the most there's nothing there to support his little noggin.  

The pack 'n play isn't made out of hard wooden slats.  It's made out of this breathable meshy fabric specifically so babies don't bang the heck out of their heads, nor will they suffocate.  I don't understand why don't we have cribs made the same way?  I guess because they wouldn't be as cute?  Are we really that vain?  

I've sort of been ranting a lot the past two weeks about how ridiculous it is that nobody has come up with an alternative to the issue of bumper pads and suffocation.  Jamie and I have had several conversations about it and we both wonder how it could be improved.  I seriously sit and watch Hudson on the video monitor to make sure his hands and feet don't go flying through the slats. Speaking of watching the monitor, am I the only paranoid neurotic mom who now, sans bumpers, is glued to the monitor while Hudson stands in his crib?  Waiting and watching to make sure he doesn't let go and fall and bump his head.  It's ridiculous.  Next to shoving something in his mouth that he shouldn't, falling down in his crib and hitting his head is my biggest concern right now.  

Thanks to facebook, I recently reconnected with a friend from law school, Sara Bloom.  Sara was a super sharp student and I'm certain a great attorney, but like 75% of attorneys she didn't enjoy what she was doing.  Or, maybe she enjoyed it, but it wasn't her passion and she did what very few of us are brave enough to do.  She walked away from her career to pursue what she is meant to do in the world. Sara, the mother of two cutie-pie little boys, has created the missing link to the crib and bumper pad dilemma.  I just checked out her website for Oliver B, named after her first little guy, and I'm so darn proud of her!  Not just for coming up with a great idea, but for doing something about it.   She has designed bumper pads that go around the wooden slats, but they have gaps in the crib openings so that they aren't a suffocation risk.  Brilliant.  And adorable.  It makes me smile to see that yet another attorney has done something much more interesting and creative with their degree!  : )  

Check out Sara's website at http://www.oliverbco.com/.  

"Good job, buddy!"  

I find myself saying that a lot lately.  Whenever Hudson swims to his ducky or pulls himself up to a toy or the sofa, I say it.  I'm conscious of it because I specifically chose that phrase over "good boy".  I didn't want Hudson to think of himself as a boy who was either good or bad.  "Good job" somehow seemed less personal.  Less judgmental.  Although now that I think about it, I'm not so sure that it is. I think I have been sending him the message that what he is doing is good or bad, rather than him being intrinsically good or bad, but that's not really the message I want to send him either.  

What I really want to teach Hudson is that he is intrinsically good, and that my love and acceptance of him is unconditional, not based on what he does (or doesn't do).  

Most of us grew up labeling every act (and person) as good or bad, and through no mal intent of our parents, we learned that there are parts of us that are "bad".   When we see ourselves as good or bad we automatically want to change the bad when maybe it isn't bad at all.  Certainly looking at life as good or bad can cause fear that we're not good enough exactly the way we are.  And we all thrive and learn from a place of love, not fear. 

How then can I encourage Hudson without sending him the message that he's either good or bad, which may lead to a lack of self-confidence (and eventually hundreds of dollars in therapy bills?!).   After all, much of the way we teach babies new skills is through rewarding their behaviors.  When we remove certain judgmental words from our vocabulary, such as good, bad and no, we are forced to explain what we mean and how we feel.  We can still encourage behaviors without judging them.  Instead of my standard, "good job, buddy", I can say "hooray for Hudson!"  Or I can better explain myself by saying "when Hudson pulls himself up to the couch he makes his legs strong.  Hudson needs strong legs in order to learn to walk."   By explaining my feelings, Hudson will learn why certain behaviors are not acceptable, while still believing that he is loved.  It may not be as important while he's a baby, but bad (there's that word again) habits die hard, so why not create positive patterns now?  For instance, if Hudson hits another child I might say, "No!  Bad boy!"  What I really want to teach him is that when he hits someone it may hurt them physically or emotionally and that is not respectful or loving.  But, he is still loved, no matter what, even when he hits someone.  

What mixed messages are you sending your children?  Or yourself?  I challenge you to go an entire day without using the words good, bad or no.  See what creative messages you can come up with and then share them with me in a comment or two!  

Passion.  Spontaneity.  Love.  Chills.  Inner-peace.   Joy.  

When was the last time you felt your skin tighten all over your body and the hairs on your arms stand straight up?  When was the last time you were in a room with hundreds of people, yet you became lost in your own body and mind and were completely connected to the present moment?  I mean really connected.  No drifting thoughts to your baby or wondering if the babysitter was able to get him to sleep.  No drifting thoughts about life's pressures or responsibilities.  No drifting thoughts about the people standing around you.  In fact - no thoughts at all.  

Last night I saw Natalie Merchant perform her Leave Your Sleep album live.  Natalie turned 19th century poems into songs that will make the most disconnected person feel alive.  I've always loved and appreciated her incredible voice, but this was much more than just another concert with another incredible voice.   I became lost.  Completely lost.  And connected.  And alive.  Hudson was safe at home with the nanny and for a couple of hours I was able to forget that I am the mother of a beautiful boy who depends on me for his every need.  I forgot that I was a daughter and a sister and a partner and a friend.  For two hours I was just Michelle.  

What struck me the most, aside from her voice, was this woman who performed as if there wasn't another person in the room.  The type of "performance" we've all given at home alone in our living rooms when we feel free to sing at the top of our lungs and dance.  Or perhaps in the car with the windows down.  That feeling of freedom to be exactly who we are at our core.  Pure and raw joy.  Uninhibited.  

As a new mom, as silly as it may sound, I find myself forgetting to have FUN.  Yes, Hudson and I have tons of fun play time and cuddle time, but I have to remind myself how to have fun without him.  Being an incredible mom and living a fun and fulfilling life are not mutually-exclusive.  In fact, quite the contrary; in order to be that incredible mom, I have to first take care of myself.  I want to give so much to my baby, but what he really wants and needs is a mommy who takes time for herself so that when I'm with him, he has all of me.  

What are you doing to take care of yourself first?  To have fun?   "Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?"  (P!nk).  I challenge you to do one thing this week that makes your hair on your arm stand up on end.  One thing where you get lost in your own mind and body.  Completely lost.  No drifting thoughts of baby.  Baby will thank you for it.  I promise.  

I'm a people-pleaser.  But, how many people do I please when I act like a jerk?!  

When I first found out I was pregnant I never imagined that there would be so many disagreements or struggles with family and friends over my baby.  I was over the moon about becoming a mom and that was all I could think about.  What could we possibly disagree over?!  

Well, as it turns out, my generation and my parents generation raised their babies quite differently, and there's rarely anything that we agree on.  Neither is right and neither is wrong.  Just different.  Regardless of generational gaps, there's one thing that remains true - a mom is the mom and she and her partner get to decide what's best for their baby.  Not the grandparents.  Not the aunts and uncles, just the parents.  But, that doesn't mean that it has to be a struggle or that it's you against them. 

That sounds fine and good, but being the people-pleaser that I am, I often find myself in a quagmire because I want to assert myself, but I don't want to step on anyone's toes.  I've struggled with this a lot.  It's interesting because for someone who doesn't want to hurt other people's feelings, I don't always come from a place of loving kindness when I assert myself and, well, you know the saying, you get more bees with honey. It's cliche, but it's true.  

So why does it bug me so much, for instance, when Jamie's mom, who knows that I use cloth diapers asks my why I don't just use Pampers?  You would have thought she had just asked me if she could saw off Hudson's left foot based on my hostile reaction. What am I making it mean?  For whatever reason I feel attacked and I respond from a righteous place.  

What is the attack?  That his parents don't respect and/or trust my decisions as a parent, or that they somehow think that my decisions are overboard and unnecessary.  Do I need them to respect my decisions?  Should they respect my decisions?  Why should they respect my decisions any more than I respect their decisions?  If we have opposing opinions why should either of us abandon our own just to respect the other's?  

In order to be assertive and yet not come off as hostile, I need to dissolve my painful thoughts.  Byron Katie's "the work" (www.thework.com) uses a simple four-question inquiry and a turnaround to help you dissolve your thoughts and disbelieve them. Your thoughts, after all, cause your pain, not your circumstances.  What does that mean?  Well, my thought that Jamie's parents should respect my decisions causes me pain, not the fact that they don't.  Here's how it goes:  

Q:"Jamie's parents should respect my decisions"- is it true?"

A:"Yes!"

Q:"Can you absolutely know that it's true?"

A:"Well, it feels true.  Why shouldn't they respect my decisions, I'm the mom?!"  

Q:"Can you think of three reasons why it might not be true, that Jamie's parents should respect your decisions?"  

A:"(1) They have their own opinions; (2) they disagree with my decisions; (3) they don't understand my decisions."

Q:"How do you react when you think the thought 'Jamie's parents should respect my decisions'?"

A:"Angry, hostile, conflicted, indignant."  

Q:"Who would you be if you could no longer think the thought 'Jamie's parents should respect my decisions', and yet they don't respect your decisions?"  

A:"I would be calm and I would feel more confident about parenting the way that I choose to parent.  And when I explained my decision, I would do so from a more loving place."  

Q:"Give a turnaround to the statement, 'Jamie's parents should respect my decisions' that feels more true than the original statement."

A:(1) I should respect my decisions - if I did I wouldn't be attached to what anyone else thinks about my decisions.  

Learning how to disbelieve my thoughts disarms my fear of being attacked and it means that I come from a much more calm and kind place.  It doesn't mean that I will necessarily agree with someone else's decisions or opinions, but it helps me to respect my own.   It's OK to be a people-pleaser, when the "people" is me.  When I realize that I am the only person who I have to please, I can't possibly feel attacked or like I need to attack back.  

Disbelieve your painful thoughts and release your inner-jerk!  

We three thought it was a win-win for everyone.  Our nanny would earn more money.  Our babies would have a playmate of the same age to learn important skills through their interactions.  And we moms would save a little dough. It turns out we were all losers.  Well, not exactly "losers", but we bit off more than we could chew.  

Nanny-sharing; in theory it sounds great.  And maybe it works for babies a little older or with a nanny with a little more experience, or in a home where the mommy doesn't work from home, but it was a mad house in my home today.  The babies were, well, babies.  They ate, they got fussy, they wanted to be held, they needed their diapers changed, they napped, they didn't nap and of course, they didn't coordinate their schedules.  Or maybe they did and their coordination was to be out of sync.  When they played, they played well together.  They learned how to share and how to be gentle with each other.  

Where do we draw the line?  Is it more important for babies to interact with other babies and compromise for a little chaos in the household or is that one-on-one attention more important?  

How do moms make it work with twins or triplets?  Hudson and his little buddy are essentially twins, they're only four days apart and it was a lot of work caring for them for 9 hours, even as darling as they both are.  And I wasn't even the one caring for them. 

I snuck out of the house for a bit this morning and wound up at my least favorite store - Babies R Us and there was a woman standing at the checkout.  Well, a woman and her newborn triplets and her three year old son in tow.  That's when life sort of gives us a reality check - no matter how hard we think we may have it, as the mother of one beautiful little baby boy, there's always someone out there with greater challenges.  Or maybe they're not greater at all - just different.  

Why re-invent the wheel when it's already been said perfectly?  Dr. Amy Johnson, a fellow life coach, blogger, psychologist, good friend, and most importantly a killer new mama recently posted this blog on telling the truth: 

"Release the Pressure by Telling the Truth

I experienced something really, really cool this weekend. How to release the pressure and watch your painful story disintegrate before your eyes.

The way you “release the pressure” is to Tell the Truth.

It was Saturday, my family and I had just returned home from a typical afternoon: took baby to one of the

We had been home for about an hour. The TV was on (this is one of my triggers…I’ll blog about triggers someday soon).  Baby was being hyper, crawling all over me and hubby on the couch. Hubby watched baby with one eye and TV with the other. I watched baby with one eye and started feeling BORED.

I’m sitting with my family, I just had a really fun afternoon so it’s not like we’d been sitting there all day, I have the most adorable baby in the world who I really, really wanted and went through hell to have, and I’m bored.

I want the baby to go to sleep so I can leave, go do something. Or I want to write, or read a book, or work on my website, or brainstorm a new telecourse, or clean something. All things I can’t do with a hyper baby. And the baby’s not about to sleep.

I’m not happy and that’s so, so Wrong. The mental dialogue starts:

I’m not the mom-type.

I have no patience.

What the hell is wrong with me that I’d rather read a book than play with my baby?

My husband is a frickin’ saint.

He’s so patient, so content, so in the moment, so much better than me.

Way better than me.

No wonder the baby loves him more.

Man, I suck.

I’m so selfish.

I’m a terrible mother.

There is a right and a wrong way to be happy and what would make me happy now is Wrong.

None of these thoughts were new, which only made them feel more true. Familiar = feels more true.

But…the way I handled them was brand new. Instead of noticing them and trying to do my own work on them (this is part of my thing, I have to do it all alone, don’t ask for help, don’t drag innocent hubby into my stuff)..instead of keeping them in, I let them out.

I told hubby exactly what I was thinking. I cried. I told him how I had expected motherhood to change me, how I thought I’d want to spend every second watching her and how reading or writing or any of the things I used to love would just pale in comparison. I told him how I secretly wanted her to sleep so that I could do my own selfish things again.

He laughed the nicest laugh I’ve ever heard and explained that I was crazy, but not in the straight-jacket kind of way I was thinking. I won’t go into it all, but he really is a frickin’ saint.

The point is, a really, really cool and interesting thing happened. I felt SO much better after I let out my truth, but that’s not it. The interesting thing is that for the rest of that day, and for all of Sunday, I truly and honestly wanted nothing more than to chase my little girl around the house and listen to her babble.

And my husband took a break from the baby and raved about how patient I was. He offered me a break and I turned it down. I really didn’t even want it.

When I Told the Truth, I released the pressure. My story went away. It was like saying it out loud freed it from the prison of my mind.

I didn’t experience the boredom any more. Like my resistance to it was making it so much huger than it really was.

And the shame wasn’t there. Well, not as much.

I know the boredom will probably come back but I think that’s okay now. I don’t think the shame will come back—not as much, anyway."


by Amy Johnson 

Check out her other thoughtful blog posts at:  http://dramyjohnson.com/