The only thing worse than being sick is seeing your baby in pain. Hudson picked up a nasty cold and was feeling really crappy all last week.  His nose was running and yet, at the same time he was so congested that he couldn't nurse without gasping for air.  He was coughing so violently that he couldn't sleep for more than about an hour or two at a time.  My poor buddy was really suffering last week. 

And poor mommy was suffering from lack of sleep. By about the third night of getting up every couple of hours, I just wanted to collapse. I wanted to drop to my knees and cry.  I wanted my mommy to come and take care of me. 

The last of the several times we were up was rough. I nursed and rocked Hudson back to sleep, which took almost an hour.  We were up from 3:00 to 3:50 a.m., and that was after being up several times before that.  I put him back to bed, walked into my bedroom half asleep and before I had a chance to pull the covers up, I heard him crying over the monitor again. And coughing. 

I broke down. I totally crumbled.  I couldn't take care of myself at that point, how could I possibly take care of little Hudson?  I literally pulled the covers over my head and balled like a baby. I remember crying and saying, "I can't do this" over and over.  I cried for a good few minutes, and then I attempted to pull myself back together.  I begrudgingly threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. By the time I reached the nursery, the room was silent.  And so was I. 

In my completely exhausted, sleep-deprived state I piled on a ton of self-guilt.  What kind of mom lays in bed and cries and gives up when her baby is sick and can barely breathe? (One who is really sleep-deprived and half asleep!)  I felt so desperate in that moment - and so disappointed in myself. 

Being a single mom is really hard sometimes. It's not always hard, and it often has some really cool benefits, but when we're out of our routine and waking up every couple of hours for several nights in a row, it. is. hard.  Really hard. I would have given anything to be able to say, "honey, it's your turn to get up with Hudson."  I don't have that option any more. But, I know that I am doing the best that I can. 

Thankfully, Hudson is back to good health and we have both been sleeping like babies the past few nights! 

Yep, another sappy baby Hudson blog post. Go figure. If you've been following my blog long enough you probably already expected today's post to be all about my little guy and me. 

My baby Hudson isn't so much of a "baby" anymore. Today at 5:20 p.m. he will be one year old. one. year. old. How did that happen?! I was just in labor. I was just pushing with all of my might. I was just holding my beautiful 7 pound, 12 ounce baby boy in my arms for the very first time. Just yesterday he cooed for the first time. Just yesterday he held up his own fragile little head for the first time. Just yesterday he sat up alone, and hopped across the floor on his belly. Just yesterday. Or at least it felt like it was just yesterday. 

The year has flown by. My "little little" is now a "big little".  I've watched him become a little boy, and such a charming little boy if I don't say so myself. 

This past year has truly been, as cliche' as it sounds, the very best year of my life. Without question, t-h-e best year.  It hasn't always been easy, nor has it always been joyful, but it has been perfect just exactly as is. 

I have grown so much not only as a mother, but as a person. As a woman. Being a first-time mommy has shown me where my "edge" is. I've learned just how little sleep I can actually survive on.  (Hopefully year two brings more sleep!)  And I do mean survive, because in the beginning that is what it was all about. Days, weeks are a blur. I remember snuggling with Hudson day-in-and-day-out for what seemed like months, though I'm certain it was likely only weeks. Maybe even days.

The biggest lesson I have learned this past year is that everything is temporary. It really is. For good and bad. Just when I thought Hudson was in a predictable routine, another milestone approached and the routine went bye-bye. And likewise, just about the time I thought I had no energy left for waking up every couple of hours, Hudson started sleeping six hours at a time. And then eight. And then ten ... It's all temporary. It gets easier and easier, just like everyone said that it would.

Another important lesson that I learned was that I am Hudson's parent, and although I'm new at this parenting stuff, I still know what's best for my baby. When Hudson was a newborn, Jamie and I struggled with making decisions for fear that we might make the wrong decision. As if there is ever truly a wrong or right decision anyway. I remember one of his friend's giving us the most sound advice when we asked him to make a decision for us. He told Jamie that part of parenting is making the tough decisions for our son and that we are the only people who know what's best for Hudson. That has really resonated with me over the past year as I've faced decision-making. It has been very empowering knowing (and I mean really knowing, believing) that I have all of the answers. I may fumble along the way, but I do the best that I know how.

This past year Hudson has learned how to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, giggle, snap his fingers, clap, wave, play peek-a-boo, give mommy raspberries, feed himself and give the best sloppy wet kisses you've ever had.  And he has six adorable pearly-whites. He's made snow-angels, body-sledded down a little mountain and he's been to Portland, Atlanta, Chicago and Hawaii.  We've had quite the active year and it's been an absolute ball. He really is my best buddy. 

I still remember the first second I laid eyes on my baby boy, as if it was just yesterday. On January 4, 2010, at 5:20 p.m. my whole world changed. Happy 1st Birthday, Hudson. You have no idea how much joy you bring to me each and every day. I love you so very much, and I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for us. 

I hear a lot of complaints from new moms, but the biggest complaint is lack. of. sleep!  (Now, that's not to say I don't hear about an overwhelming amount of joy, because I do.  But my coaching clients don't hire me to talk about how much they love being a mom.)  I recently read that new moms lose about 350 hours of sleep in the first year!  Nobody told us we wouldn't sleep for an entire year. Maybe nobody told us that before we became a mom for fear of extinction.  We don't function well on less than a full night of sleep.   

One of my clients was complaining that her baby was staying up until 11:00 p.m. when she and her husband went to bed and only slept eight total hours at night.  After we spoke she decided to try letting her baby learn to put himself to sleep around 7pm and after crying for less than an hour he was fast asleep.  And, he slept until 7:00 a.m. the next day.  She was shocked - how could this be so easy?!

Sometimes we don't give our little ones the credit they deserve.  We're apprehensive to try new things for fear that they won't adapt or it won't work or that it may make things worse than they were before we tried.  And sometimes when we try new things we learn that our stories about what *may* happen are just that - stories.  And our reality is often different from our stories.

I am completely guilty of this.  I hear myself saying things like "I'm afraid to eliminate Hudson's 5:00 a.m. feeding because he may wake up a lot earlier than his usual 7am wake up".  Last night was night three of weaning Hudson from his 5:00 a.m. feeding.  For the past several months he goes to bed at 7:00 p.m., usually wakes up around 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. for a 10-minute feeding and then he falls right back to sleep until around 7:00 a.m.  Although the 5:00 a.m. feeding is quick, it still breaks up my (and his) sleep, which isn't ideal for either of us.

I thought for sure he would scream and protest when I refused to feed him, but like is most often the case, I was wrong.  He has woken up around 5am the past few mornings, and I haven't fed him, but after a few minutes of whining he's fallen back to sleep.  I go into his bedroom and tell him "it's time to go to sleep, baby", and I leave the room and crawl back into my snuggly bed.  Within 10 minutes he's out like a light.  

Hudson's pediatrician has told me time-and-time-again that it will only take 3-5 nights before he realizes he's not getting fed at 5:00 a.m. and he will start sleeping straight through.  He's usually right about everything, but for whatever reason I've resisted trusting this advice.  Tonight will be night four and I *believe* that Hudson is smart enough to sleep straight through without waking.  And if not, I'll keep trying.