The only thing worse than being sick is seeing your baby in pain. Hudson picked up a nasty cold and was feeling really crappy all last week.  His nose was running and yet, at the same time he was so congested that he couldn't nurse without gasping for air.  He was coughing so violently that he couldn't sleep for more than about an hour or two at a time.  My poor buddy was really suffering last week. 

And poor mommy was suffering from lack of sleep. By about the third night of getting up every couple of hours, I just wanted to collapse. I wanted to drop to my knees and cry.  I wanted my mommy to come and take care of me. 

The last of the several times we were up was rough. I nursed and rocked Hudson back to sleep, which took almost an hour.  We were up from 3:00 to 3:50 a.m., and that was after being up several times before that.  I put him back to bed, walked into my bedroom half asleep and before I had a chance to pull the covers up, I heard him crying over the monitor again. And coughing. 

I broke down. I totally crumbled.  I couldn't take care of myself at that point, how could I possibly take care of little Hudson?  I literally pulled the covers over my head and balled like a baby. I remember crying and saying, "I can't do this" over and over.  I cried for a good few minutes, and then I attempted to pull myself back together.  I begrudgingly threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. By the time I reached the nursery, the room was silent.  And so was I. 

In my completely exhausted, sleep-deprived state I piled on a ton of self-guilt.  What kind of mom lays in bed and cries and gives up when her baby is sick and can barely breathe? (One who is really sleep-deprived and half asleep!)  I felt so desperate in that moment - and so disappointed in myself. 

Being a single mom is really hard sometimes. It's not always hard, and it often has some really cool benefits, but when we're out of our routine and waking up every couple of hours for several nights in a row, it. is. hard.  Really hard. I would have given anything to be able to say, "honey, it's your turn to get up with Hudson."  I don't have that option any more. But, I know that I am doing the best that I can. 

Thankfully, Hudson is back to good health and we have both been sleeping like babies the past few nights!