I've been in a funk the past few days.  Tired, cranky, scattered and I have not been patient.  I even forgot I had food on the stove tonight and an hour later when I smelled something burning I went into the kitchen to find shriveled up veggies in a dry pot of what was filled with water.  Ruined the veggies and the pot.

It's hard to be in a funk and be a full time mom of a 17.5 month old.  He doesn't understand why I don't want to play "I'm going to get you" for 20 minutes straight or why I'm cranky and snappy.  

My crankiness has of course made Hudson cranky, and then I get frustrated with him, which then makes me more frustrated with myself for the way I respond to him.  

I want to be the kind, patient, loving and present mom ALL OF THE TIME.  My logical brain tells me that it's not possible and that just like Hudson, I'm human and getting frustrated and not being present and patient is a somewhat unavoidable (to an extent) part of life.  But my ego brain scolds me pretty harshly.  I try to imagine what other moms would think if they heard me get frustrated with Hudson, because surely they've never been anything but kind, patient, loving and present, right?!   I must be the only mom alive who has not acted exactly how I want to act as a mom.  ; ) I pile on not only my own guilt for not acting exactly as I wish I had, but I also project what other people would think of me as a mom, which is really just a story without any supporting evidence.  

The mountain of guilt certainly doesn't help me get out of my funk.  Recognizing that I am not my thoughts, nor my self-judgment helps me get back on track.  Just like I praise Hudson for acting a particular way, I have to praise myself and remind myself what an incredible mom I am "most" of the time.  This takes off some of the pressure, which makes me less cranky overall.  And at the end of the day, happy mommy = happy baby = happy mommy!  

I know that my moments of frustration and lack of patience are just an opportunity to take a peek at what's really going on, because it's never what I think it is.  But, sometimes it's hard to remember to search for the "gift" in the pain.  The gift in my few days of bitchiness is the reminder that in order to be a more patient, loving and present mom, I need to take more "me" time.  I'm going on a hike tomorrow morning - without the baby!  

It was 77 degrees and not a cloud in the sky in San Diego yesterday. Another one of our famous "winter" days. Meanwhile, the rest of the country was snowed-in. 

I had a few baby-free hours at the beach, and although I was happy to have some alone time, it was fun seeing all of the families playing with their littles. All except for the family with five kids whose two little boys (4 and 5) were playing with toy guns. One had a rifle and the other had a pistol. The rifle was as long as he was tall. 

Although I'm certain I played western shoot-out as a kid, it really bothered me watching the boys shooting at each other with their guns.  We live in a different world today than we did when I was growing up. 

I get it, boys (and girls) like to play with toy guns. Hudson would like to play with my razor too, but it's my job as a parent to censor what he gets to play with. I am all for imaginative play, but I think there are better things to pretend to do then shooting another human being.  I really can't find any logical reason for giving a child a gun, real or fake. Guns are not for kids. (In my opinion they're not really for most adults either, but we won't go down that road. I know, I just lost a lot of readers with that comment!). 
Especially in today's world where human beings are shooting other human beings so often, shouldn't we be encouraging our children to play with something a little less, uh ... deadly?  I understand that kids will make guns with their hands and likely anything else they can find to make the shape of a gun with.  Fine. But what message do we as parents tell our children when we give them a toy gun?   

I know one day some kids will grow up and own a gun.  Unfortunately, 41% of our kids will also grow up and smoke cigarattes, but does that mean that we give them fake cigarettes? (Remember those horrible candy cigarettes we had growing up that blew out fake smoke. Hm, Phillip Morris behind those??).  I know it may be an extreme analogy, but it's the first thing I thought of.

I had a friendly debate about this with a few friends on Facebook this morning, and I had no idea that one comment would would stir up so much controversy. It was a good, healthy, respectful conversation.  We all have different experiences, perspectives and beliefs. None better than the next. No wrong or right, just different. While I certainly don't worry that Hudson (or my friends' kids) will grow up to use a gun to kill someone, there are many parents who give their littles toy guns who, unfortunately do not "parent". 

Although my friends' contrary arguments were well-reasoned and gave me food-for-thought, I still can't imagine giving Hudson a toy gun.  Regardless of whether he makes his own guns out of paper or whatever else he gets his hands on. I'm totally willing to change my opinion (and thus to listen to all of YOUR contrary arguments), and I realize that I can't ever really say never about anything, but as for today, I'm sticking to my guns!  ; )