I've been in a funk the past few days.  Tired, cranky, scattered and I have not been patient.  I even forgot I had food on the stove tonight and an hour later when I smelled something burning I went into the kitchen to find shriveled up veggies in a dry pot of what was filled with water.  Ruined the veggies and the pot.

It's hard to be in a funk and be a full time mom of a 17.5 month old.  He doesn't understand why I don't want to play "I'm going to get you" for 20 minutes straight or why I'm cranky and snappy.  

My crankiness has of course made Hudson cranky, and then I get frustrated with him, which then makes me more frustrated with myself for the way I respond to him.  

I want to be the kind, patient, loving and present mom ALL OF THE TIME.  My logical brain tells me that it's not possible and that just like Hudson, I'm human and getting frustrated and not being present and patient is a somewhat unavoidable (to an extent) part of life.  But my ego brain scolds me pretty harshly.  I try to imagine what other moms would think if they heard me get frustrated with Hudson, because surely they've never been anything but kind, patient, loving and present, right?!   I must be the only mom alive who has not acted exactly how I want to act as a mom.  ; ) I pile on not only my own guilt for not acting exactly as I wish I had, but I also project what other people would think of me as a mom, which is really just a story without any supporting evidence.  

The mountain of guilt certainly doesn't help me get out of my funk.  Recognizing that I am not my thoughts, nor my self-judgment helps me get back on track.  Just like I praise Hudson for acting a particular way, I have to praise myself and remind myself what an incredible mom I am "most" of the time.  This takes off some of the pressure, which makes me less cranky overall.  And at the end of the day, happy mommy = happy baby = happy mommy!  

I know that my moments of frustration and lack of patience are just an opportunity to take a peek at what's really going on, because it's never what I think it is.  But, sometimes it's hard to remember to search for the "gift" in the pain.  The gift in my few days of bitchiness is the reminder that in order to be a more patient, loving and present mom, I need to take more "me" time.  I'm going on a hike tomorrow morning - without the baby!