Hudson is loud. He has a loud voice, a loud cry, a loud scream, and a loud jibber-jabber.  And, he also has the most intoxicating loud giggle that I completely adore.

I had a little meltdown Monday night when Hudson and I were out to dinner with friends and he decided to scream.  Inconsolably and loud.  I had already fed him half of his jar of baby food and a few bites of guacamole so I knew he couldn't be hungry.  He had also just woken from a nap, so he wasn't tired. Yet the screaming continued.  And my patience was, well, non-existent.  

I took Hudson outside two or three times to try to stop the screaming.  The third time I lost my cool.   I yelled, "no!" to Hudson and I even threw in a "Hudson, stop - you're making mommy very upset, please stop."   As if a nine-month-old baby has any clue what that means.  I was so angry in that moment.  I wanted to scream ... just like Hudson.  Only I'm old enough to know better.

It turns out that Hudson was really hungry. After returning to the table he ate the rest of the jar of food, a second jar, all of my Mexican rice (what didn't land on the restaurant floor) and a lot more guacamole.

Hudson rarely cries (or screams), and when he does it means he is  either tired, hungry, wet, poopy or bored. That's it. That's pretty much the case for all babies, yet in the moment I thought he was just being "bad".  I expected him to be in an adult environment and act like an adult.  I wanted him to sit in his highchair quietly and eat his dinner.  

How did I miss the signs that my baby was trying to tell me he was hungry?  I was more concerned about what my friends were thinking or the other restaurant guests and our waiter than I was tuned into Hudson.  Thoughts running through my head in the moment:  "My friend's baby is sitting  quietly eating her food and they must think Hudson is a difficult baby.  Friend says how lucky he is that his baby always sits quietly in a restaurant.   The other guests in the restaurant probably think Hudson is misbehaving.  Hudson needs to learn that screaming in public is bad."  

Who was really misbehaving?  The nine-month-old infant who was trying to tell me that he wanted to eat or the 37-year-old mom who lost sight of what really matters?  After we left the restaurant I got really upset with myself.  How could I have cared more about what other people were thinking (or really, what I thought they were thinking because I have no idea what they were thinking!) than my own baby's needs.  I had to call my life coach, Stacie, to talk me off the ledge.  

The good news is I learned a lot.  I learned that I am not always going to respond perfectly and I am not always going to react to Hudson in a way that I feel good about.  Sometimes I'll get upset over things that are not important and sometimes I'll do or say things that I regret.  I am human, and that's what we do.  The important piece of this puzzle is that I investigated my thoughts and feelings to find out where they were coming from.  I had to dig deep to understand the root of my thoughts before I was able to begin to change them.  

I also learned that I need to create my escape route.  If Hudson and I are out in a restaurant, or anywhere in public, and he starts to scream, I can just bail out at any point.  Whether I've eaten my meal or not, I can quickly pay my tab and be out the door.  That plan actually relieves a lot of pressure of feeling like I have to get Hudson to "act like an adult".  

Hopefully next time I will respond to Hudson (and to myself) in a more loving and compassionate way.  And if not, well then it's just another opportunity to learn!