Yep, another sappy baby Hudson blog post. Go figure. If you've been following my blog long enough you probably already expected today's post to be all about my little guy and me. 

My baby Hudson isn't so much of a "baby" anymore. Today at 5:20 p.m. he will be one year old. one. year. old. How did that happen?! I was just in labor. I was just pushing with all of my might. I was just holding my beautiful 7 pound, 12 ounce baby boy in my arms for the very first time. Just yesterday he cooed for the first time. Just yesterday he held up his own fragile little head for the first time. Just yesterday he sat up alone, and hopped across the floor on his belly. Just yesterday. Or at least it felt like it was just yesterday. 

The year has flown by. My "little little" is now a "big little".  I've watched him become a little boy, and such a charming little boy if I don't say so myself. 

This past year has truly been, as cliche' as it sounds, the very best year of my life. Without question, t-h-e best year.  It hasn't always been easy, nor has it always been joyful, but it has been perfect just exactly as is. 

I have grown so much not only as a mother, but as a person. As a woman. Being a first-time mommy has shown me where my "edge" is. I've learned just how little sleep I can actually survive on.  (Hopefully year two brings more sleep!)  And I do mean survive, because in the beginning that is what it was all about. Days, weeks are a blur. I remember snuggling with Hudson day-in-and-day-out for what seemed like months, though I'm certain it was likely only weeks. Maybe even days.

The biggest lesson I have learned this past year is that everything is temporary. It really is. For good and bad. Just when I thought Hudson was in a predictable routine, another milestone approached and the routine went bye-bye. And likewise, just about the time I thought I had no energy left for waking up every couple of hours, Hudson started sleeping six hours at a time. And then eight. And then ten ... It's all temporary. It gets easier and easier, just like everyone said that it would.

Another important lesson that I learned was that I am Hudson's parent, and although I'm new at this parenting stuff, I still know what's best for my baby. When Hudson was a newborn, Jamie and I struggled with making decisions for fear that we might make the wrong decision. As if there is ever truly a wrong or right decision anyway. I remember one of his friend's giving us the most sound advice when we asked him to make a decision for us. He told Jamie that part of parenting is making the tough decisions for our son and that we are the only people who know what's best for Hudson. That has really resonated with me over the past year as I've faced decision-making. It has been very empowering knowing (and I mean really knowing, believing) that I have all of the answers. I may fumble along the way, but I do the best that I know how.

This past year Hudson has learned how to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, giggle, snap his fingers, clap, wave, play peek-a-boo, give mommy raspberries, feed himself and give the best sloppy wet kisses you've ever had.  And he has six adorable pearly-whites. He's made snow-angels, body-sledded down a little mountain and he's been to Portland, Atlanta, Chicago and Hawaii.  We've had quite the active year and it's been an absolute ball. He really is my best buddy. 

I still remember the first second I laid eyes on my baby boy, as if it was just yesterday. On January 4, 2010, at 5:20 p.m. my whole world changed. Happy 1st Birthday, Hudson. You have no idea how much joy you bring to me each and every day. I love you so very much, and I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for us. 

Hudson is loud. He has a loud voice, a loud cry, a loud scream, and a loud jibber-jabber.  And, he also has the most intoxicating loud giggle that I completely adore.

I had a little meltdown Monday night when Hudson and I were out to dinner with friends and he decided to scream.  Inconsolably and loud.  I had already fed him half of his jar of baby food and a few bites of guacamole so I knew he couldn't be hungry.  He had also just woken from a nap, so he wasn't tired. Yet the screaming continued.  And my patience was, well, non-existent.  

I took Hudson outside two or three times to try to stop the screaming.  The third time I lost my cool.   I yelled, "no!" to Hudson and I even threw in a "Hudson, stop - you're making mommy very upset, please stop."   As if a nine-month-old baby has any clue what that means.  I was so angry in that moment.  I wanted to scream ... just like Hudson.  Only I'm old enough to know better.

It turns out that Hudson was really hungry. After returning to the table he ate the rest of the jar of food, a second jar, all of my Mexican rice (what didn't land on the restaurant floor) and a lot more guacamole.

Hudson rarely cries (or screams), and when he does it means he is  either tired, hungry, wet, poopy or bored. That's it. That's pretty much the case for all babies, yet in the moment I thought he was just being "bad".  I expected him to be in an adult environment and act like an adult.  I wanted him to sit in his highchair quietly and eat his dinner.  

How did I miss the signs that my baby was trying to tell me he was hungry?  I was more concerned about what my friends were thinking or the other restaurant guests and our waiter than I was tuned into Hudson.  Thoughts running through my head in the moment:  "My friend's baby is sitting  quietly eating her food and they must think Hudson is a difficult baby.  Friend says how lucky he is that his baby always sits quietly in a restaurant.   The other guests in the restaurant probably think Hudson is misbehaving.  Hudson needs to learn that screaming in public is bad."  

Who was really misbehaving?  The nine-month-old infant who was trying to tell me that he wanted to eat or the 37-year-old mom who lost sight of what really matters?  After we left the restaurant I got really upset with myself.  How could I have cared more about what other people were thinking (or really, what I thought they were thinking because I have no idea what they were thinking!) than my own baby's needs.  I had to call my life coach, Stacie, to talk me off the ledge.  

The good news is I learned a lot.  I learned that I am not always going to respond perfectly and I am not always going to react to Hudson in a way that I feel good about.  Sometimes I'll get upset over things that are not important and sometimes I'll do or say things that I regret.  I am human, and that's what we do.  The important piece of this puzzle is that I investigated my thoughts and feelings to find out where they were coming from.  I had to dig deep to understand the root of my thoughts before I was able to begin to change them.  

I also learned that I need to create my escape route.  If Hudson and I are out in a restaurant, or anywhere in public, and he starts to scream, I can just bail out at any point.  Whether I've eaten my meal or not, I can quickly pay my tab and be out the door.  That plan actually relieves a lot of pressure of feeling like I have to get Hudson to "act like an adult".  

Hopefully next time I will respond to Hudson (and to myself) in a more loving and compassionate way.  And if not, well then it's just another opportunity to learn!