It sounded so much easier when I said it to her - my friend who was going through the same thing. "It just means that you're such a good mommy that he feels safe and secure to venture out - take it as a compliment."  That was my advice to her when her baby ran into the babysitter's arms when she went to pick him up from day care, and I meant it. 

Now it's time to drink my own water. 

I love my little guy so much and I want what's best for him, always, but what's best for him doesn't always feel good to mommy.  
Hudson loves his babysitter and he has such a strong bond with her.  She really has become part of our family.  I'm thankful for that.  But, this week Hudson cried every time she started to leave, and didn't want to let go of her.  This week was all about Lucia.  When we both went in to get him up from his nap, he walked over to Lucia.  When I tried to give him a kiss, he pushed me away.  When I came out to play with him, he looked at me like I had three eyes and went back to playing with Lucia.  

Rejection sucks, especially when it's your 13-month old baby rejecting you.  I know that he wasn't really rejecting me, and he's just testing out his independence, blah, blah, blah - but it still felt like rejection.  It felt really icky.  I felt like I was going to cry a couple of times.

A really needy, insecure, not-so-attractive side started to shine through.  I felt like I was a 10-year old trying out for the soccer team.  "Pick me, pick me!"  I just wanted to be picked. Oh how I wanted to be picked!  I wanted Hudson to be so excited to play with me that nobody else in the world existed for him. Is this so wrong?  Doesn't every mom want to be number one in their baby's eyes?  After all, he's been number one in my life the past 13 months!  I asked myself these questions and then I convinced myself that I was probably the only self-centered, neurotic mommy who was more concerned with being number one than being excited that he loves his babysitter so much.  (Which of course then made me feel even more self-centered). 

Why does it feel so important to me that I am the most important person in Hudson's life?  What would it mean if he enjoyed other peoples' company as much as he enjoyed mine?  I know; I hear the voice of reason even as I type this.  Just as I shared with my girlfriend, it means that he's a healthy and happy and well-adjusted baby.  My rational brain knows that, but my silly little insecure voice keeps me second-guessing.  

I realize that I was making the experience mean that Hudson loves me less than he loves Lucia, or that I was somehow not giving him enough love, affection or dare I say ... that I am not as much fun as his babysitter.  And why would any of that be so bad, anyway?  Those are the questions I really need to dive into and take a peek at. 

I know that it's all normal and healthy, and just a phase that he's going through as he discovers his new world.  I also learned that it's kinda normal for a new-ish mom to feel a little sad the first time her baby snubs her for the babysitter, and that's okay.  When I started writing this post I felt like I had to somehow apologize for feeling sad this week, but I make no apologies.  

The good news is our experience this week shined the light in some dark corners to show me where my work is. I certainly don't want to be the needy mom whose little boy feels like he always has to be by mommy's side. I learned a lot this week.  Most importantly, I learned that Hudson teaches me just as much about myself as I teach him about the world. Perhaps even more.  

Yep, another sappy baby Hudson blog post. Go figure. If you've been following my blog long enough you probably already expected today's post to be all about my little guy and me. 

My baby Hudson isn't so much of a "baby" anymore. Today at 5:20 p.m. he will be one year old. one. year. old. How did that happen?! I was just in labor. I was just pushing with all of my might. I was just holding my beautiful 7 pound, 12 ounce baby boy in my arms for the very first time. Just yesterday he cooed for the first time. Just yesterday he held up his own fragile little head for the first time. Just yesterday he sat up alone, and hopped across the floor on his belly. Just yesterday. Or at least it felt like it was just yesterday. 

The year has flown by. My "little little" is now a "big little".  I've watched him become a little boy, and such a charming little boy if I don't say so myself. 

This past year has truly been, as cliche' as it sounds, the very best year of my life. Without question, t-h-e best year.  It hasn't always been easy, nor has it always been joyful, but it has been perfect just exactly as is. 

I have grown so much not only as a mother, but as a person. As a woman. Being a first-time mommy has shown me where my "edge" is. I've learned just how little sleep I can actually survive on.  (Hopefully year two brings more sleep!)  And I do mean survive, because in the beginning that is what it was all about. Days, weeks are a blur. I remember snuggling with Hudson day-in-and-day-out for what seemed like months, though I'm certain it was likely only weeks. Maybe even days.

The biggest lesson I have learned this past year is that everything is temporary. It really is. For good and bad. Just when I thought Hudson was in a predictable routine, another milestone approached and the routine went bye-bye. And likewise, just about the time I thought I had no energy left for waking up every couple of hours, Hudson started sleeping six hours at a time. And then eight. And then ten ... It's all temporary. It gets easier and easier, just like everyone said that it would.

Another important lesson that I learned was that I am Hudson's parent, and although I'm new at this parenting stuff, I still know what's best for my baby. When Hudson was a newborn, Jamie and I struggled with making decisions for fear that we might make the wrong decision. As if there is ever truly a wrong or right decision anyway. I remember one of his friend's giving us the most sound advice when we asked him to make a decision for us. He told Jamie that part of parenting is making the tough decisions for our son and that we are the only people who know what's best for Hudson. That has really resonated with me over the past year as I've faced decision-making. It has been very empowering knowing (and I mean really knowing, believing) that I have all of the answers. I may fumble along the way, but I do the best that I know how.

This past year Hudson has learned how to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, giggle, snap his fingers, clap, wave, play peek-a-boo, give mommy raspberries, feed himself and give the best sloppy wet kisses you've ever had.  And he has six adorable pearly-whites. He's made snow-angels, body-sledded down a little mountain and he's been to Portland, Atlanta, Chicago and Hawaii.  We've had quite the active year and it's been an absolute ball. He really is my best buddy. 

I still remember the first second I laid eyes on my baby boy, as if it was just yesterday. On January 4, 2010, at 5:20 p.m. my whole world changed. Happy 1st Birthday, Hudson. You have no idea how much joy you bring to me each and every day. I love you so very much, and I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for us. 

It's been a while, I know. I've missed you and hopefully you've missed us - Hudson and me! 

I took an important break from blogging over the past few weeks. I spent time with my family and friends and I enjoyed a technology-free Christmas. I unplugged. It was nice. But, I'm ready to jump back in. 

From time-to-time I felt a little anxious.  I created plenty of "shoulds". I should be blogging. I should be reading other people's blogs. I should be capturing Hudson's first Christmas on my blog so that one day he can read about how lovely it was. Thankfully, I didn't listen to those "shoulds" and instead I gave Hudson all that he needed for Christmas - a mommy who was present. And boy was I ever present while he tore through the wrapping of his presents! 

A one-year-old doesn't really care about Santa (other than to tug on his nose and beard). A one-year-old doesn't really care about gifts under the tree, other than to push the box the gifts came in around the house. A one-year-old has no idea that Christmas is anything other than another day surrounded by people smothering him with love. 

Spending the holidays with a one-year-old definitely reminded me what Christmas is really about for me. Spending time with the people I care about the most. I hope you all enjoyed some special time with your most special people.