Today has been one of those days. You know, the days when you don't feel like doing anything and when you do actually sit down to do something you're completely unproductive?! Why is it that on days like today I don't just chalk it up as an off-day and move on? Why do I keep trying to force something that isn't happening?

I remember when I was in law school I had a rule. If I wasn't productive, I wouldn't study. Period. There's no sense in pretending to study just to have face-time in the library. If I'm not productive, I might as well be out enjoying my time. What little time I had. And I did enjoy my time; guilt-free, I might add.

I seem to resist that rule now. I sat in front of my computer for hours today accomplishing absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, Lucia played with Hudson. I could hear them giggling and I was so envious, but I had to "get work done" I kept telling myself. I couldn't take the rest of the day off to do something fun because the nanny was here, getting paid, to watch Hudson so I could work. 

Alas, now it's 7:30 (feels like 10:30!) and I'm left with three loads of clean laundry to fold and put away, a sink full of dishes to wash and put away and a bag full of dirty diapers to run through the wash and dry cycle, fold and put away. And I'm exhausted. I could have done all of this today while Lucia was here, but I was supposed to be "working". As if taking care of my home isn't work. 

I guess what is really weighing me down is feeling like I have to do the laundry or the dishes or the diapers. There's something about the obligation that is making it feel more icky than it really is. 

I have to clean up the house, dishes and diapers before I can crawl into bed. 

Is it true? "Yes." 

Can I absolutely know that it's true? "Yes."

Why might it not be true? I have gone to bed before without cleaning up and the house didn't fall apart, and low and behold, my laundry was still there waiting patiently for me the next morning (how nice of it!). 

How do I act when I think the thought that I have to clean up before going to bed? Pissed off! More exhausted. Completely exhausted. Exhausted beyond belief, which then leads to feeling depressed.

Who would I be without the thought? I would be kinder to myself and accept that I don't always have to have a picked up home. I would feel more relaxed climbing into bed to read a book knowing that there was laundry to be done and dishes to be washed.

Turn it around: 

• I don't have to clean up before I go to bed.
• My thoughts about cleaning up my house need to be cleaned up.

It's always, without exception, my thoughts about my circumstance that are causing me to feel crappy. The stack of dishes aren't making me feel crappy. The pile of clothes isn't making me feel crappy. Only my thoughts have that ability. Dirty dishes and clothes are just circumstances.

When I separate my circumstances from my thoughts I can investigate whether my thoughts about my circumstances are even true. And lucky for me, I can change my thoughts. To better thinking thoughts, even if only slightly better. It still works! 

Now I can go to bed without cleaning up. But, do you want to know the best part? Now that I don't have to clean up, doing so doesn't feel so bad. Maybe I'll compromise - I'll do the dishes and leave the rest for morning. At least I know my laundry will still be patiently waiting for me. I can always count on that! 

Hudson is loud. He has a loud voice, a loud cry, a loud scream, and a loud jibber-jabber.  And, he also has the most intoxicating loud giggle that I completely adore.

I had a little meltdown Monday night when Hudson and I were out to dinner with friends and he decided to scream.  Inconsolably and loud.  I had already fed him half of his jar of baby food and a few bites of guacamole so I knew he couldn't be hungry.  He had also just woken from a nap, so he wasn't tired. Yet the screaming continued.  And my patience was, well, non-existent.  

I took Hudson outside two or three times to try to stop the screaming.  The third time I lost my cool.   I yelled, "no!" to Hudson and I even threw in a "Hudson, stop - you're making mommy very upset, please stop."   As if a nine-month-old baby has any clue what that means.  I was so angry in that moment.  I wanted to scream ... just like Hudson.  Only I'm old enough to know better.

It turns out that Hudson was really hungry. After returning to the table he ate the rest of the jar of food, a second jar, all of my Mexican rice (what didn't land on the restaurant floor) and a lot more guacamole.

Hudson rarely cries (or screams), and when he does it means he is  either tired, hungry, wet, poopy or bored. That's it. That's pretty much the case for all babies, yet in the moment I thought he was just being "bad".  I expected him to be in an adult environment and act like an adult.  I wanted him to sit in his highchair quietly and eat his dinner.  

How did I miss the signs that my baby was trying to tell me he was hungry?  I was more concerned about what my friends were thinking or the other restaurant guests and our waiter than I was tuned into Hudson.  Thoughts running through my head in the moment:  "My friend's baby is sitting  quietly eating her food and they must think Hudson is a difficult baby.  Friend says how lucky he is that his baby always sits quietly in a restaurant.   The other guests in the restaurant probably think Hudson is misbehaving.  Hudson needs to learn that screaming in public is bad."  

Who was really misbehaving?  The nine-month-old infant who was trying to tell me that he wanted to eat or the 37-year-old mom who lost sight of what really matters?  After we left the restaurant I got really upset with myself.  How could I have cared more about what other people were thinking (or really, what I thought they were thinking because I have no idea what they were thinking!) than my own baby's needs.  I had to call my life coach, Stacie, to talk me off the ledge.  

The good news is I learned a lot.  I learned that I am not always going to respond perfectly and I am not always going to react to Hudson in a way that I feel good about.  Sometimes I'll get upset over things that are not important and sometimes I'll do or say things that I regret.  I am human, and that's what we do.  The important piece of this puzzle is that I investigated my thoughts and feelings to find out where they were coming from.  I had to dig deep to understand the root of my thoughts before I was able to begin to change them.  

I also learned that I need to create my escape route.  If Hudson and I are out in a restaurant, or anywhere in public, and he starts to scream, I can just bail out at any point.  Whether I've eaten my meal or not, I can quickly pay my tab and be out the door.  That plan actually relieves a lot of pressure of feeling like I have to get Hudson to "act like an adult".  

Hopefully next time I will respond to Hudson (and to myself) in a more loving and compassionate way.  And if not, well then it's just another opportunity to learn!