I've been in a funk the past few days.  Tired, cranky, scattered and I have not been patient.  I even forgot I had food on the stove tonight and an hour later when I smelled something burning I went into the kitchen to find shriveled up veggies in a dry pot of what was filled with water.  Ruined the veggies and the pot.

It's hard to be in a funk and be a full time mom of a 17.5 month old.  He doesn't understand why I don't want to play "I'm going to get you" for 20 minutes straight or why I'm cranky and snappy.  

My crankiness has of course made Hudson cranky, and then I get frustrated with him, which then makes me more frustrated with myself for the way I respond to him.  

I want to be the kind, patient, loving and present mom ALL OF THE TIME.  My logical brain tells me that it's not possible and that just like Hudson, I'm human and getting frustrated and not being present and patient is a somewhat unavoidable (to an extent) part of life.  But my ego brain scolds me pretty harshly.  I try to imagine what other moms would think if they heard me get frustrated with Hudson, because surely they've never been anything but kind, patient, loving and present, right?!   I must be the only mom alive who has not acted exactly how I want to act as a mom.  ; ) I pile on not only my own guilt for not acting exactly as I wish I had, but I also project what other people would think of me as a mom, which is really just a story without any supporting evidence.  

The mountain of guilt certainly doesn't help me get out of my funk.  Recognizing that I am not my thoughts, nor my self-judgment helps me get back on track.  Just like I praise Hudson for acting a particular way, I have to praise myself and remind myself what an incredible mom I am "most" of the time.  This takes off some of the pressure, which makes me less cranky overall.  And at the end of the day, happy mommy = happy baby = happy mommy!  

I know that my moments of frustration and lack of patience are just an opportunity to take a peek at what's really going on, because it's never what I think it is.  But, sometimes it's hard to remember to search for the "gift" in the pain.  The gift in my few days of bitchiness is the reminder that in order to be a more patient, loving and present mom, I need to take more "me" time.  I'm going on a hike tomorrow morning - without the baby!  

Hudson was a few weeks old and we were at our weekly breastfeeding group.  We were all newbie moms, eyes wide open wondering what we do now that we have these healthy, beautiful little babies.  Our babies were pretty easy, they slept, ate, pooped and snuggled for hours straight.  

It was wonderful having other new moms to connect with.  We talked about milk production, clogged milk ducts, too much production, too little production, our babies' weight gain, our babies' weight loss, lack of sleep, lack of sleep and more lack of sleep.  Same topics, over and over.  Days blended into weeks and weeks into months.  But it felt good knowing that we were all in "it" together and we were sharing an incredibly special bond.

Our get-togethers were comforting.  Until one day. A couple of moms were talking about their flash cards.  I listened quietly.  Granted, I was half asleep, but I swore they were talking about showing their three week old newborns flash cards.  OMG - how did I miss this in the books I had read?  Why didn't my pediatrician tell me about these flash cards?  Damn it, Hudson is already three weeks behind and I'm sure he'll be slower than all of the other babies because his mommy is behind the times and flash cards was not amongst the list of 500 "must haves" from Babies R Us!  I didn't ask questions as all of the moms seemed to know what the other moms were talking about.  I must be the only new mom on the planet who doesn't know about newborn flash cards.  

At the end of the group I drove back home in my lack of sleep daze and started consulting my expert, google.  I couldn't find anything on newborn flash cards other than the marketing pieces by the manufacturers themselves.  Baby Einstein of course has a line of flash cards (brilliant marketing name, by the way!).  But I found nothing to support the use of flash cards and newborn development.  I got to thinking, I'm pretty sure Einstein himself didn't use any sort of newborn flash cards.  Nor Beethoven.  Nor Sir Isaac Newton.  Nor Leonardo da Vinci.  I'm sure Einstein would be mortified if he knew about the Baby Einstein product line.  Now I don't mean to suggest that we should never use modern science and technology to improve the way we learn, but I wasn't able to find anything linking newborn flash cards and learning or development.  (Or any of the Baby Einstein products for that matter).  

Since I wasn't able to find anything solid on flash cards I asked a few friends with older children what they "did" with their newborns and they looked at me like I was going cross-eyed (I may have been given the lack of sleep I was surviving on).  Everyone pretty much came up with the same response - they showered their babies with love and affection, talked to them, made eye contact, sang to them and comforted their newborns.  Love.  Unconditional love.  That is all Hudson needed from me as a newborn.  Lucky for Hudson, he was already getting all of those things from his adoring mommy!  :)  

Hudson is going to be 17 months tomorrow and while he certainly has a lot of toys, for the most part, he still enjoys the simple things.  He couldn't live without his books, his spoons and his special cupboard filled with some Tupperware and pots and pans.  It's a constant reminder to me that I often get guilted into buying "developmental" toys.  I still love the classics - shape sorters, animal sounds books and puzzles and building blocks, but the rest of his toys are really unnecessary.  

I have many friends who are pregnant right now, or who have newborns and I hope this post reaches them right around the time they're at a moms group and wondering if they've messed up their kid for life because they don't have newborn flash cards!  You're doing a great job, just be in love with your babies and they will thrive!  

I wonder why so many people have an opinion as to when I should stop breastfeeding Hudson.  Certainly I've never asked anyone else to do it for me, nor does it inconvenience anyone else in any way.  And most importantly, I've never asked anyone for their opinion.  Yet so many people have shared their opinion that I've "breastfed long enough".  What does that even mean, anyway?

I try not to judge them for their opinions and/or their judgment of me, but sometimes I do.  One person even told me that it was "crucial" that I stop nursing Hudson.  However, when I asked what about it made it "crucial", I got no response.

And speaking of judgement, if I lived in Europe, or anywhere other than the U.S., I would be judged for not nursing Hudson as long as I could.  It's interesting - all of our opinions about other people's "business".  What does it bring up for us when someone does something that we wouldn't do ourselves, and why do we care?  Is it guilt, insecurity, shame or ? 

The World Health Organization recommends mothers nurse their babies until the age of two.  The average length of time moms breastfeed in the U.S. is six months, whereas the worldwide average is two years.  But none of that really matters anyway.  Who cares what the average is anywhere when I'm talking about one mom and one baby.  Both are happy with the current arrangement.  I don't judge moms who choose not to breastfeed their babies, or who do so for a shorter period of time - it's none of my business.

I think it's ironic that women don't think twice about stuffing their breasts with silicone and saline, but breastfeeding a baby beyond year one is often considered disgusting or "wrong".  Which is the natural/intended "use"?  We're the only species who give our babies milk from another animal - is cow's milk really intended for our consumption?  When I think about giving Hudson milk from a cow that  sounds more "disgusting" to me.  But then again, I don't drink milk other than hemp or soy.  

Today we are having a reunion with all of the families we met at a breastfeeding group 15 months ago - to celebrate the boob-bond!  :)   

I sat down to write today because I have a friend in labor.  And one not in labor. One who is trying to help her cervix dilate so that she can give birth, and another who intentionally slowed down her labor.  This post is dedicated to them and their eventual birth of their babies.

Today started out differently for me than most days as well.  Although I knew Hudson was awake and I could hear him fussing over the monitor, I turned the monitor off and I took a few moments for myself.  I sat on my bed, in lotus position, and I began chanting a mantra that I haven't done in almost a year - "Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha".  It is thought that this mantra removes life's obstacles.  I cleared my mind, and then, feeling refreshed, I went in to kiss my baby good morning.  

Moments later I got a call that a friend was in labor, but she's not dilating.  She's in a hospital, and of course, the usual routine is taking place ... pitocin, increased and spiky contractions and early talks of a cesarian section.  I've set my daily intention towards sending her my love and openness and my hope for a smooth and vaginal birth.  

Our minds are more powerful than we could ever begin to imagine.  I know that it's true, and I see evidence of this all around me, but I'm still awestruck when I hear personal stories similar to the one I heard last week about an acquaintance (I'll call her "Jessica").  

While one friend is praying that her labor progresses, another, Jessica, used her mind to virtually stop her labor.  She was 36 weeks gestation last week when she started having contractions six minutes apart.  She knew that giving birth before 37 weeks meant that she couldn't have the birth that she had been hoping for, and she literally used her mind to stop her labor. She had read many accounts of where women weren't progressing with their labor, often because of the negative energy of someone in the room or close by, and she believed that if your mind and body are so connected, she could actually do the opposite - and stop her labor.  After hours of meditating, she did just that. She went from active labor to having contractions every 30 or so minutes.  One week later, she is now 37 weeks gestation.  

As I sat down to write this post I put my headphones on and turned up the volume.  The third song to play from my iTunes library was, Forgotten Seasons - the song that Hudson was born to.  It was also the soundtrack that was playing the very first time I met Jessica.  Coincidence?  Not likely. 

For my friend who will be giving birth sometime today, Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.  May all of your obstacles be removed and allow you a safe and enjoyable delivery.  You are about to meet the person whom you will love more than you ever imagined possible.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  The rest of your life will never be as it was yesterday.

For my friend "Jessica", thank you for reminding me of the strong connection between body and mind, and how powerful we all are in controlling our lives.  

Namaste. 

Yep, another sappy baby Hudson blog post. Go figure. If you've been following my blog long enough you probably already expected today's post to be all about my little guy and me. 

My baby Hudson isn't so much of a "baby" anymore. Today at 5:20 p.m. he will be one year old. one. year. old. How did that happen?! I was just in labor. I was just pushing with all of my might. I was just holding my beautiful 7 pound, 12 ounce baby boy in my arms for the very first time. Just yesterday he cooed for the first time. Just yesterday he held up his own fragile little head for the first time. Just yesterday he sat up alone, and hopped across the floor on his belly. Just yesterday. Or at least it felt like it was just yesterday. 

The year has flown by. My "little little" is now a "big little".  I've watched him become a little boy, and such a charming little boy if I don't say so myself. 

This past year has truly been, as cliche' as it sounds, the very best year of my life. Without question, t-h-e best year.  It hasn't always been easy, nor has it always been joyful, but it has been perfect just exactly as is. 

I have grown so much not only as a mother, but as a person. As a woman. Being a first-time mommy has shown me where my "edge" is. I've learned just how little sleep I can actually survive on.  (Hopefully year two brings more sleep!)  And I do mean survive, because in the beginning that is what it was all about. Days, weeks are a blur. I remember snuggling with Hudson day-in-and-day-out for what seemed like months, though I'm certain it was likely only weeks. Maybe even days.

The biggest lesson I have learned this past year is that everything is temporary. It really is. For good and bad. Just when I thought Hudson was in a predictable routine, another milestone approached and the routine went bye-bye. And likewise, just about the time I thought I had no energy left for waking up every couple of hours, Hudson started sleeping six hours at a time. And then eight. And then ten ... It's all temporary. It gets easier and easier, just like everyone said that it would.

Another important lesson that I learned was that I am Hudson's parent, and although I'm new at this parenting stuff, I still know what's best for my baby. When Hudson was a newborn, Jamie and I struggled with making decisions for fear that we might make the wrong decision. As if there is ever truly a wrong or right decision anyway. I remember one of his friend's giving us the most sound advice when we asked him to make a decision for us. He told Jamie that part of parenting is making the tough decisions for our son and that we are the only people who know what's best for Hudson. That has really resonated with me over the past year as I've faced decision-making. It has been very empowering knowing (and I mean really knowing, believing) that I have all of the answers. I may fumble along the way, but I do the best that I know how.

This past year Hudson has learned how to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, giggle, snap his fingers, clap, wave, play peek-a-boo, give mommy raspberries, feed himself and give the best sloppy wet kisses you've ever had.  And he has six adorable pearly-whites. He's made snow-angels, body-sledded down a little mountain and he's been to Portland, Atlanta, Chicago and Hawaii.  We've had quite the active year and it's been an absolute ball. He really is my best buddy. 

I still remember the first second I laid eyes on my baby boy, as if it was just yesterday. On January 4, 2010, at 5:20 p.m. my whole world changed. Happy 1st Birthday, Hudson. You have no idea how much joy you bring to me each and every day. I love you so very much, and I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for us. 

It's been a while, I know. I've missed you and hopefully you've missed us - Hudson and me! 

I took an important break from blogging over the past few weeks. I spent time with my family and friends and I enjoyed a technology-free Christmas. I unplugged. It was nice. But, I'm ready to jump back in. 

From time-to-time I felt a little anxious.  I created plenty of "shoulds". I should be blogging. I should be reading other people's blogs. I should be capturing Hudson's first Christmas on my blog so that one day he can read about how lovely it was. Thankfully, I didn't listen to those "shoulds" and instead I gave Hudson all that he needed for Christmas - a mommy who was present. And boy was I ever present while he tore through the wrapping of his presents! 

A one-year-old doesn't really care about Santa (other than to tug on his nose and beard). A one-year-old doesn't really care about gifts under the tree, other than to push the box the gifts came in around the house. A one-year-old has no idea that Christmas is anything other than another day surrounded by people smothering him with love. 

Spending the holidays with a one-year-old definitely reminded me what Christmas is really about for me. Spending time with the people I care about the most. I hope you all enjoyed some special time with your most special people. 

I hear a lot of complaints from new moms, but the biggest complaint is lack. of. sleep!  (Now, that's not to say I don't hear about an overwhelming amount of joy, because I do.  But my coaching clients don't hire me to talk about how much they love being a mom.)  I recently read that new moms lose about 350 hours of sleep in the first year!  Nobody told us we wouldn't sleep for an entire year. Maybe nobody told us that before we became a mom for fear of extinction.  We don't function well on less than a full night of sleep.   

One of my clients was complaining that her baby was staying up until 11:00 p.m. when she and her husband went to bed and only slept eight total hours at night.  After we spoke she decided to try letting her baby learn to put himself to sleep around 7pm and after crying for less than an hour he was fast asleep.  And, he slept until 7:00 a.m. the next day.  She was shocked - how could this be so easy?!

Sometimes we don't give our little ones the credit they deserve.  We're apprehensive to try new things for fear that they won't adapt or it won't work or that it may make things worse than they were before we tried.  And sometimes when we try new things we learn that our stories about what *may* happen are just that - stories.  And our reality is often different from our stories.

I am completely guilty of this.  I hear myself saying things like "I'm afraid to eliminate Hudson's 5:00 a.m. feeding because he may wake up a lot earlier than his usual 7am wake up".  Last night was night three of weaning Hudson from his 5:00 a.m. feeding.  For the past several months he goes to bed at 7:00 p.m., usually wakes up around 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. for a 10-minute feeding and then he falls right back to sleep until around 7:00 a.m.  Although the 5:00 a.m. feeding is quick, it still breaks up my (and his) sleep, which isn't ideal for either of us.

I thought for sure he would scream and protest when I refused to feed him, but like is most often the case, I was wrong.  He has woken up around 5am the past few mornings, and I haven't fed him, but after a few minutes of whining he's fallen back to sleep.  I go into his bedroom and tell him "it's time to go to sleep, baby", and I leave the room and crawl back into my snuggly bed.  Within 10 minutes he's out like a light.  

Hudson's pediatrician has told me time-and-time-again that it will only take 3-5 nights before he realizes he's not getting fed at 5:00 a.m. and he will start sleeping straight through.  He's usually right about everything, but for whatever reason I've resisted trusting this advice.  Tonight will be night four and I *believe* that Hudson is smart enough to sleep straight through without waking.  And if not, I'll keep trying.  

Hudson is loud. He has a loud voice, a loud cry, a loud scream, and a loud jibber-jabber.  And, he also has the most intoxicating loud giggle that I completely adore.

I had a little meltdown Monday night when Hudson and I were out to dinner with friends and he decided to scream.  Inconsolably and loud.  I had already fed him half of his jar of baby food and a few bites of guacamole so I knew he couldn't be hungry.  He had also just woken from a nap, so he wasn't tired. Yet the screaming continued.  And my patience was, well, non-existent.  

I took Hudson outside two or three times to try to stop the screaming.  The third time I lost my cool.   I yelled, "no!" to Hudson and I even threw in a "Hudson, stop - you're making mommy very upset, please stop."   As if a nine-month-old baby has any clue what that means.  I was so angry in that moment.  I wanted to scream ... just like Hudson.  Only I'm old enough to know better.

It turns out that Hudson was really hungry. After returning to the table he ate the rest of the jar of food, a second jar, all of my Mexican rice (what didn't land on the restaurant floor) and a lot more guacamole.

Hudson rarely cries (or screams), and when he does it means he is  either tired, hungry, wet, poopy or bored. That's it. That's pretty much the case for all babies, yet in the moment I thought he was just being "bad".  I expected him to be in an adult environment and act like an adult.  I wanted him to sit in his highchair quietly and eat his dinner.  

How did I miss the signs that my baby was trying to tell me he was hungry?  I was more concerned about what my friends were thinking or the other restaurant guests and our waiter than I was tuned into Hudson.  Thoughts running through my head in the moment:  "My friend's baby is sitting  quietly eating her food and they must think Hudson is a difficult baby.  Friend says how lucky he is that his baby always sits quietly in a restaurant.   The other guests in the restaurant probably think Hudson is misbehaving.  Hudson needs to learn that screaming in public is bad."  

Who was really misbehaving?  The nine-month-old infant who was trying to tell me that he wanted to eat or the 37-year-old mom who lost sight of what really matters?  After we left the restaurant I got really upset with myself.  How could I have cared more about what other people were thinking (or really, what I thought they were thinking because I have no idea what they were thinking!) than my own baby's needs.  I had to call my life coach, Stacie, to talk me off the ledge.  

The good news is I learned a lot.  I learned that I am not always going to respond perfectly and I am not always going to react to Hudson in a way that I feel good about.  Sometimes I'll get upset over things that are not important and sometimes I'll do or say things that I regret.  I am human, and that's what we do.  The important piece of this puzzle is that I investigated my thoughts and feelings to find out where they were coming from.  I had to dig deep to understand the root of my thoughts before I was able to begin to change them.  

I also learned that I need to create my escape route.  If Hudson and I are out in a restaurant, or anywhere in public, and he starts to scream, I can just bail out at any point.  Whether I've eaten my meal or not, I can quickly pay my tab and be out the door.  That plan actually relieves a lot of pressure of feeling like I have to get Hudson to "act like an adult".  

Hopefully next time I will respond to Hudson (and to myself) in a more loving and compassionate way.  And if not, well then it's just another opportunity to learn!